The Misguided Notion of “Perpetual Availability”

The recent exchange on Slate’s sex advice column has sparked a conversation about women’s behavior in same-sex relationships and friendships. Curious, a woman who wishes to remain anonymous, reached out to inquire about her feelings towards a close female friend, Liz, with whom she’d developed a deeper connection over the years. Curious was unsure whether Liz’s affectionate gestures were genuine or if she was simply reading too much into them.

This exchange reveals our collective discomfort with women’s physical intimacy, particularly in same-sex relationships. Jessica Stoya, who responded to Curious’s query, highlighted the tendency to assume that women who exhibit affection towards each other are somehow “perpetually available” for romantic or sexual involvement. This notion is misguided and rooted in a problematic understanding of bisexuality and female desire.

The idea that women are more prone to casual physical contact with one another often overlooks the complexity of human relationships. Women do engage in non-sexual intimacy, such as cuddling or doing each other’s hair, without it necessarily implying romantic or sexual interest. Stoya noted that she herself has experienced situations where her attempts at friendly physical contact were misinterpreted as flirtation.

Many women have reported similar experiences due to social communication differences or a lack of clear boundaries. This phenomenon is not unique to Stoya; it highlights the importance of understanding context and intentions behind physical gestures. The assumption that women must disclose any romantic or sexual involvement with previous partners to maintain their friendship is also problematic. It implies that women are obligated to share intimate details about their past relationships, which can be triggering and invasive.

Our understanding of female intimacy should not rely on binary assumptions of “hookup or not.” Rather, it exists on a spectrum of affection, care, and connection. Recognizing this complexity allows us to work towards creating more nuanced and inclusive understandings of female desire and relationships.

Approaching topics like these with sensitivity, respect, and an openness to learning is essential. By doing so, we can challenge the misguided notions that have long been perpetuated about women’s behavior and intimacy, and work towards creating a more inclusive and empathetic understanding of human relationships.